The Old Lady Who Passed Out in Church

Morning sickness, frequent bathroom trips, vivid dreams... those are pregnancy symptoms I'm sure everyone has heard of or dealt with first-hand. I however, had the pleasure of experiencing a more off-beat one: passing out. And with this I effectively scared the shit out of my fiance, Zach, who was with me at the time and efficiently rallied my entire family to the hospital. Oh yea, and I can cross getting a ride in an ambulance off of my bucket list (no I didn't really have that on my bucket list -- I'm not that weird).

Where this happened you might ask? In. the. middle. of. Church. Not only that, probably the most important part of the Mass -- the consecration. So when the priest was transforming the bread into Jesus' body, my body was coming to rest under a pew. I was out for about 30 seconds and when I came to, people were crowded around me like when Dorothy wakes up from her trip to Oz... only my awakening was a little less glamorous in that I was hoisted onto a gurney and shuttled to the hospital. And I'm kinda disappointed because meeting a talking scarecrow, tin man or cowardly lion would have made the whole collapsing thing worth it -- I would have settled for a munchkin even.

The whole ride there and the 3+ hours of waiting at the hospital I was worried that my fall would affect the baby in some way. But thankfully an ultrasound confirmed everything was okay.

The week after this happened my grandmom, who is a CCD teacher at the same parish was quizzing her second graders on whether or not they made it to Mass on Sunday. Well she knew little Johnny went because the kid said he saw some old lady pass out at 10:30 Mass 😒 OLD LADY?!!!! I'm only 24 but I guess to a 7-year-old that's ancient.

All in all what I learned from this whole ordeal is don't go to Church on an empty stomach. The intent was to get breakfast right after Mass was over but Baby Crater obviously couldn't wait that long. And if you're pregnant and worried about this lovely side effect, it may be wise to keep a piece of bread in your purse just in case the dinner wait at Outback is more than 20 minutes. Your baby will thank you!

Another important step in all of this? Filing this story away into the guilt drawer -- I can't wait to play the "when you were 11 weeks in utero you made me pass out in Church" card when he or she wants to skip out on family time to spend time with friends instead.

Awe, nice try but you're not going anywhere.