Anthony's 1st Birthday Party: What I Learned

So I survived my first 1st birthday party with minimal tears (mine). I learned a lot and hopefully you can too from reading this blog post.

1st Day of School

Today was Anthony's unofficial first day of school in his new big boy classroom. We got the letter in his cubby last week that he would start transitioning out of the baby room these last two weeks of August and would be in his new room full-time after Labor Day (it might as well been his college acceptance letter - yes, there were tears). But when I dropped him off this morning they said he would be in the new class ALL DAY LONG because they had some new babies starting this week. What?!! I thought I still had time to prepare for this... I still need to buy him a nap sack thingy because no cribs in the new room... I didn't pack him enough snacks... and will I still be able to visit him on my lunch break like I've done every Wednesday and Thursday for the last 8 months?!!!

When I returned to work in December, I took solace in thinking that my return to work didn't have to be permanent. I joined job groups, I scoured Indeed daily and I fell for every It Works, Beach Body, toothpaste, Keto coffee, you name it direct marketing recruitment post (sorry, just not my thing) that would allow me to be with Ant and work from home and maintain some type of income - so I could quit my 9-5 job that I loved, because I loved my new 24 hour/7 days a week one so much more. In the meantime, I found a daycare for Anthony on Wednesdays and Thursdays that was a short drive from my work so I could visit him on my lunch break. And that is how these last few months have gone. Leave work at 12:15, drive to see Anthony, nurse him, rock him to sleep, drive back to work. Our little routine gave me peace of mind and really helped me get through the day. If anyone reading this is researching daycares I highly recommend considering ones near your place of work that allow you to visit! And obviously I never found a new job so Anthony has remained at school two days a week and I have grown to love his school and his teachers.

Anthony's first day at school

But now Anthony has new teachers and a different schedule being with the toddlers. So I decided to skip my visit today for the very first time. I wanted to see how Anthony would do in his new class without me and don't want him to become reliant on me coming to feed him every day he's at school since I'll have to start weaning him off of breastfeeding sooner rather than later. Luckily I had an extra busy day at work to keep me focused and before I knew it, it was time for me to pick him up - always the best feeling to watch Ant's face light up when he sees me walk in the door!

And how did he do? He did GREAT and I am one relieved mama!!! Both times I called to check on him he was happy playing with his friends and he went down for a nap no problem. And as you can tell from the pic below, he is all tuckered out from his exciting day!

Anthony spent his first day in his new classroom and then fell asleep on our walk around the neighborhood.

Even though it was a good day, I'm still on the fence about my visits. His new teacher said I am always welcome and of course I want to see my baby who I'm always missing but I'm also trying to figure out WHEN I should do that because I don't want to disrupt his new schedule. So when is the right time to stop visiting - now? When he's 2, 3, 4, 10? Asking for a friend.

Too Young to Remember

As you know from my last post, I read when I pump and I just got done my second summer reading book- Shoot the Moon by Billie Letts. The book is definitely worth a read and you don’t need to worry about spoilers in this post because I’m not revealing anything that’s not already on the back cover.

Anyway, the story is about a man who discovers he’s adopted after his adoptive parents pass away and he makes his way from his home in California, back to Oklahamoa where he was born. He was hoping to meet his biological mom- the woman who gave him up all those years ago. But that’s not possible because he finds out she was murdered when he was 10 months old- the same time he went missing.

Anthony is currently 10 months (at least for a few more days) and it’s so crazy to think that like the guy in the book, he won’t be able to remember these first few months or years of his life because he’s still so young. Most children can’t recall memories that happened before 3 or 4 and for some, not even before age 6. So if something happened to Anthony now, he wouldn’t be able to find his way back home. Or if I were to die, would he be able to recognize my face in a photo? Would he dream about me? Right now he knows I’m his mommy, only calls me “ma-ma,” but would that still be the case with the passing of time?

I thought about the singer Joey of the Joey + Rory group that died when her daughter was just two years old. Dad, Rory talked about his daughter not asking for her mama when she died and not really noticing that she was gone. The grieving father said it was sad, yet wonderful at the same time. Reading that part of the article broke me and that was before I became a mother myself.

Going back to the book, I was reminded of my parents throughout reading it because they both were adopted. The story resonates with my dad’s background especially, because unlike my mom who was adopted when she was about 6 weeks old, my dad wasn’t adopted until he was nearly 2. He’s wondered about his birth parents before but has no concrete information about them - not even names. The little info he has says a man who may or may not have been his biological dad was taking care of him but wasn’t able to provide for him any more because of a sick relative. Meanwhile, my dad hasn’t done any searching on his own for fear it would upset my Grandmom (his adoptive mom).

But where was he for 2 years?! Who took care of him? Who held him? Who bathed him? Who fed him? Who rocked him to sleep every night? Who sang to him? Who loved him? And after he was adopted by my grandparents, did he call out for his mama or dada or whoever it was that was taking care of him?

Wouldn’t it break your heart to care for your son or daughter, have them be your entire world and then make the difficult decision to give them up for adoption and spend the rest of your life not knowing what happened to them?

I’m making a promise to myself that I’m going to find out some of these answers just like the man in the book, even at the expense of drama or hurt feelings. I just can’t help but think if my circumstances were different and I was in a position where I had to give my baby up for adoption, then I would want my baby to come looking for me all those years later.

Worst Case Scenario

Normally I try to keep things light here. Posting about my latest Netflix watching habits and funny trials as a new mom. BUT Facebook keeps reminding me of a topic that I've been wanting to address for a while now. I've never talked about my anxiety to anyone before but the fact that two articles have popped up in my newsfeed in the last two days I'll chalk up to Facebook spying on me, somehow knowing my innermost thoughts. Before I read the articles, I thought it was just me - I didn't know there was a name for what I have been experiencing since my son was born. It's nice to know that post-partum anxiety is not uncommon.

Thank God for Netflix

So our belief has been confirmed... Ant is indeed the good luck charm the Eagles needed because THEY. WON. THE. SUPER. BOWL. And we are 100% taking credit.

Baby Bird

The Philadelphia Eagles are in the Super Bowl matched up against the Patriots -- what a time to be alive!! It's less than two hours now until kick-off and the anticipation has been building throughout the week. My husband said it feels like Christmas Eve when you can't sleep because you're so excited and the suspense of whether or not Santa came keeps you tossing and turning all night long -- I'm not a big football fan, but today I 100% agree with him.