Normally I try to keep things light here. Posting about my latest Netflix watching habits and funny trials as a new mom. BUT Facebook keeps reminding me of a topic that I've been wanting to address for a while now. I've never talked about my anxiety to anyone before but the fact that two articles have popped up in my newsfeed in the last two days I'll chalk up to Facebook spying on me, somehow knowing my innermost thoughts. Before I read the articles, I thought it was just me - I didn't know there was a name for what I have been experiencing since my son was born. It's nice to know that post-partum anxiety is not uncommon.
Of course all new moms and dads experience anxiety. When my son was born I don't think I really slept - just watched him sleep. He started gagging in the middle of the first night and spit up excess fluid from being freshly birthed. Since then my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. I think about the future often and how nothing is guaranteed. The news hasn't helped with this. School shootings, bridges collapsing, a fatal car accident that happened pulling out of our development. You can't take anything for granted. I cringe every time I have to make a turn onto a busy street. Every single time I imagine getting hit on the side where his car seat is and losing everything. I think about the first responders to the scene. I think about the hospital. The funeral. Or when he falls asleep in his car seat, sometimes I reach my hand back to nudge him enough for him to move or make a little noise because his silence scares the shit out of me. I've always had an imagination and I can't turn my brain off. So far these thoughts have just caused some real tears driving to work in the morning and a few restless nights. Nothing major yet.
The scariest part is you don't know when something bad is going to happen. Yet we all have timers on our lives that have already been set. Will my timer go off when I'm 30? Then my kids (15, 13 and 5 then) will grow up without their mom. Even worse will his timer go off at age 2 or 3? I don't want to think about it but I do... and then the tears start to flow.
Right now he's just 6-months-old and quickly outgrowing his bassinet. It should be time to transition him to his crib in his own room but I can't imagine him sleeping so far away from me. I won't be able to tell as easily on the monitor if he's ok, make sure he's still breathing. I need him close to me always. When I'm not at work he is attached to my hip. He comes everywhere with me - even a quick run to the grocery store. When I'm holding him, the anxiety fades. Nothing bad can happen to him. I don't think about the worst, I can only think about how peaceful he looks after he's fallen asleep in my arms, how perfect he is. If only I could hold him forever.
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