Too Young to Remember

As you know from my last post, I read when I pump and I just got done my second summer reading book- Shoot the Moon by Billie Letts. The book is definitely worth a read and you don’t need to worry about spoilers in this post because I’m not revealing anything that’s not already on the back cover.

Anyway, the story is about a man who discovers he’s adopted after his adoptive parents pass away and he makes his way from his home in California, back to Oklahamoa where he was born. He was hoping to meet his biological mom- the woman who gave him up all those years ago. But that’s not possible because he finds out she was murdered when he was 10 months old- the same time he went missing.

Anthony is currently 10 months (at least for a few more days) and it’s so crazy to think that like the guy in the book, he won’t be able to remember these first few months or years of his life because he’s still so young. Most children can’t recall memories that happened before 3 or 4 and for some, not even before age 6. So if something happened to Anthony now, he wouldn’t be able to find his way back home. Or if I were to die, would he be able to recognize my face in a photo? Would he dream about me? Right now he knows I’m his mommy, only calls me “ma-ma,” but would that still be the case with the passing of time?

I thought about the singer Joey of the Joey + Rory group that died when her daughter was just two years old. Dad, Rory talked about his daughter not asking for her mama when she died and not really noticing that she was gone. The grieving father said it was sad, yet wonderful at the same time. Reading that part of the article broke me and that was before I became a mother myself.

Going back to the book, I was reminded of my parents throughout reading it because they both were adopted. The story resonates with my dad’s background especially, because unlike my mom who was adopted when she was about 6 weeks old, my dad wasn’t adopted until he was nearly 2. He’s wondered about his birth parents before but has no concrete information about them - not even names. The little info he has says a man who may or may not have been his biological dad was taking care of him but wasn’t able to provide for him any more because of a sick relative. Meanwhile, my dad hasn’t done any searching on his own for fear it would upset my Grandmom (his adoptive mom).

But where was he for 2 years?! Who took care of him? Who held him? Who bathed him? Who fed him? Who rocked him to sleep every night? Who sang to him? Who loved him? And after he was adopted by my grandparents, did he call out for his mama or dada or whoever it was that was taking care of him?

Wouldn’t it break your heart to care for your son or daughter, have them be your entire world and then make the difficult decision to give them up for adoption and spend the rest of your life not knowing what happened to them?

I’m making a promise to myself that I’m going to find out some of these answers just like the man in the book, even at the expense of drama or hurt feelings. I just can’t help but think if my circumstances were different and I was in a position where I had to give my baby up for adoption, then I would want my baby to come looking for me all those years later.